Having a random hookup so left but love u
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
