just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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