why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
