doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
