The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
