It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
