I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
