Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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