Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
