Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
