im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
