If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
