looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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