dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
