im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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