I faked an abortion last night.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
