What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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