Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Everyone says I win the strip club
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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