Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
