drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
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Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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