He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
