Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Can I color on your dick again?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
