Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Green mimosas i think yes
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
