Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
