Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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