We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
