Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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