Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Alive.
So much puke
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
