he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
