So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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