Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
