There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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