So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
