If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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