Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
