Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
