Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
