I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
