You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
