I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
this is an emotional support booty call
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
