So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
