Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I smell like Dick and happiness
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
