You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
