my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
