OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
