so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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