when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We got so high we made milksteak
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
