I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
