I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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