I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
