The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
