im six kinds of drunk right now
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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