I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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