do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
