How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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